A first love or a first experience?

The year is 2013 and I am definitely bored... The island I was living in at the moment is quite "nothing new", beach, bars,tourists and that's about it. I was a teacher at a private school here, however I'm simply bored so I went through the list of blocked contacts on Facebook and one caught my attention. I used to be very reserved so if some guy tried to approach me I would be very reserved, I hadn't come to terms with the fact I was gay but living alone kinda sparked a different state of mind. So on my blocked list I saw somebody cute, unblocked him ans wrote him a message back. Few minutes later I got a response and we started talking  more and more everyday, long story short we became a couple but we were leaving in different cities, not a real problem I had a good salary and was able to afford trips back and forth for him and not me becayse I had a busy schedule. When he came to visit me we went everywhere, we ate wherever and whatever we wanted  , money was not a problem, he would get drunk and I'd deal with it, put him to bed and make breakfast.

I never realized how far I had fallen, I was turning into a wife/husband under the conventional definition of both what I mean is that I was cooking, cleaning, providing and being a moral support but I still had none. He said and always thought he was being there for me, but whenever I tried to communicate he would make it about him and then I would turn into a cushion again. This went on for 8 months and I'm not even telling you about how jealous he used to be. I don't have the conventional look of the people from the country I live in. I'm skinny, blonde, blue eyes so when I walk on the street people tend to stare, Ok, maybe not stare but at least "glance" so naturally whenever I felt eyes on me I looked up, whoever it might have been it was just a simple reflex, but he would het mad at me and then just stop talking to me for a while because he always thought I eas looking to cheat on him like his ex did. In my mind it never ocurred to cheat on him and you know what 3 years after and I still get scared of looking up I guess you can say I'm living with side effects. I simply wanted support and I ended up becoming a column to the Parthenon. I guess I expected more than what I got. 

Whinning!!

I sure sometimes forget what is like to be close to somebody, of course my friends but really? Are they my friends when they don't even know the real me? The misadventure my life has turned to? The fact that Im attracted to men? Too many questions that I really don't know how to answer, I sometimes feel drowned in insecurities, yet I disguise them in jokes and subject changes. Normally I'm Ok with who I have become, I'm well known in school so I enjoy some social amenities and teachers never complaint about having me in their class, gues I'm not that undesirable... Perhaps for you to understand my whinning you need to know about my past.

Vision of Love

Being born under a household where both parents are from very distant places and you live in a 3rd country sounds exciting and probably is, however what most people forget is that being from different cultures has its pros and cons for example they disagree on how things are done moooost of the time, but to me the biggest pro is the fact that I can see the world in a very different way I'm more openminded if you know what I mean, so when I realized that I liked men I wasn't disturbed or scared I was only worried of how hard it was going to be happy with somebody else. Yes, I am still in the closet, well sort of, some people know and I have used some dating sites (which in the end they just become games since people there only want to "hook up") but I was never scared for them to see my facepic in the end people steal ids so worse comes to worst I can always say it wasn't me; my word against theirs. 

I always looked forward to finishing high school. I had a great high school time but I knew university was going to make me feel free; a whole lot more people to meet, new experiences and hopefully meet my "other half", but surprise surprise I did meet a lot of people Im quite sociable and likeable, but I never found that idea, that Vision of love I had for myself, I prayed through the nights  and felt so alone for I had to carry the weight on my own. 

Hello, it's me.

Where should I start? Perhaps at the very beggining of my life. I was born in Honduras, right in the middle of Central America. Lately the country is been known for horrid cases of corruption, poverty and violence, as a matter fact The city I live in was considered in the top 10 most violent cities in the World. I live life, Don't get me wrong, I'm hoping I will have a long one the problem is that for some people I showed up on Earth faulty, whether I had a weak personality growing up or born this way I absolutely have no idea, the thing is that being gay in a third world country is not easy. Honduras has come a long way I reckon, however there's people still with strong opinions towards our sexual preferences and that of course makes it harder for us to "explore" and in my case just meet somebody. Guys, I know it sounds exaggerated but I have the worst gaydar in the universe Geez! I was 21 and I had never had a date, a kiss or let alone somebody I could share how I felt, I still don't. So yes! Consider yourselves introduced to my life and prepare for constant mood swings, quotes full of antonomasia and a lot of Mariah Carey (terrible cliché I know, but that talent is worth it).